We talk a lot about ways to connect with your child and find out about what’s going on at school. But what if they tell you that things aren’t going well? Or that they don’t like school?
Hearing that your child doesn’t like school can be pretty upsetting. You might worry about how your child is being treated by other children and adults at school. You may wonder whether they can keep up with the academics, and whether their dislike of school will interfere with their learning. It may also bring up parents’ own memories of their less positive moments in school.
But before you imagine too many things, take a deep breath. Especially for kindergarteners entering school for the first time, the transition into school is a huge change. Children may feel overwhelmed by the different rules and routines and sheer size of their new classrooms. (The same can be true for children making the switch into middle school or high school.) Children might not like school very much during this period of adjustment. But that can change as they settle in.
It’s also okay not to like everything about school. There are going to be some things that your child may just need to learn to tolerate (sort of like eating broccoli).
However, if your child seems to dislike or be unhappy with school in general, there are strategies that you can use to explore where those negative feelings are coming from and to turn those feelings around. You may need to try more than one or a combination of things before you hit on something that works.
- Try to get more information from your child about what it is that they do not like. Is it something specific? For example, some children may find the switch away from having a nap time to be hard. Are they having a hard time making new friends? Are they being teased? Try to get as much information as you can about what is happening. But also realize that younger children may not be able to tell the whole story. And you don’t want to increase your child’s anxiety by firing too many questions at them. Finally, there may not be a specific thing that is “wrong”. They might simply feel anxious or unhappy.
- Talk to your child’s teacher. If your child is having a hard time pinpointing what is upsetting, the teacher may be able to help. And the teacher can work with you to find solutions once you pinpoint the trouble. Remember that, as upsetting as it might be that your child is not happy at school, it may not be anything to do with the teacher and they can be your ally in solving the problem.
- Help your child to problem solve the situation. If the problem is more specific– such as “Kids won’t play with me”– try to help your child come up with solutions. You can also find stories about what other children have done in similar situations (and get some reading time in). Sometimes it can be helpful to even practice the solutions together. For example, you could pretend to be a child playing a game and have your child practice saying “Can I play with you?”. This can make it easier to remember on the playground.
- Help your child focus on what they DO like about school. If the problem is not something specific like being teased—maybe more a general dislike–try not to focus too much on your child’s negative feelings. Rehearsing these will only strengthen the dislike. Instead, try to get them to focus on what she likes about school. Even if it is only the 15-minute recess, that’s a start!
- Tell your child what you liked about school. It can help children to be able to know what it was like for you as a student and what you liked. Or even what you didn’t like. Just remember, if you didn’t have a good time at school, don’t emphasize the negative. You want to help your child to feel good about school.
- Reward your child’s efforts at going to school. You can connect going to school as a child very concretely with having a job as an adult. The child needs to learn things and so it’s their job to go to school. We adults know that there are days when we don’t want to go to work. Often it is the thought of a paycheck that motivates us. So it’s fair that children could earn something for going to school. This doesn’t mean money. A child who is feeling a little anxious about being away from their parent all day could earn special time with that parent playing a game, reading a favorite book, or going to the park after school. A child could earn a sticker each day that they go to school without fuss and at the end of the week they could exchange the stickers for a special dinner or a movie night. There are lots of things that could help make going to school feel positive. Eventually, your child will come to see school as rewarding in itself and so will not need the outside rewards. This is just a way to help them start to see the positives.
- Help your child make friends in class. Friends may help school may feel less scary and give your child something to look forward to. You can help your child by inviting friends over for play dates. Or just talk about how they can ask other children to play at recess: “Do you want to play with me?” Prepare them to hear “no” sometimes, though, and if they do, to find another friend to ask.
- Create a way for your child to carry something of you with them. This might be a kiss or hug that you always give them before you leave in the morning. Or it could be a small thing that they keep in their pocket. A friend of mine and her daughter wore bracelets that they had made for each other. Anything that will remind your child of you and how much you love them will do. (Just make sure that it will not be disruptive in class.)
- Find out if your child might need some extra support with academics. Children are pretty savvy about knowing when they are picking up a skill faster or slower than their friends. If things are not making sense to a child and they feel like they are falling behind, this can be a big reason for not wanting to go to school. So when you talk to your child’s teacher, explore whether they could use some extra skill-building. Maybe the teacher could give you extra homework to do with your child. There are also lots of great resources on the internet that you can check out.
As upsetting as it can be to find out that your child does not like school, there are a number of steps that you can take to get to the bottom of potential issues. Reach out to school personnel. And always, if your child seems genuinely unwell, visit your pediatrician. Your doctor may also be able to suggest resources if you think that your child is feeling overanxious or if none of the above strategies have worked.
Remember, just because they your child doesn’t like school right now, does not mean that they won’t change. Keep a positive attitude towards school, share what you liked about school, and reinforce your child for going to school and trying their best. One day you just might hear that school is their favorite place!
