As we’ve been talking about all month, setting limits (including balancing limits with encouragement) is an important parenting tool to help children develop healthy behaviors and feel safe. However, setting limits is no easy task. It’s stressful, complicated, and sometimes downright aggravating. How are you supposed to set an effective limit when your child is crying so loudly you can barely hear yourself think? Or pushing all of your hot buttons? Or having his tenth meltdown of the morning? Setting limits is really tough, but also a critical part of helping children learn prosocial skills that will serve them well for the rest of their lives.
One effective limit setting strategy is having your child take a break. Here are some tips about using breaks effectively to help children learn positive skills and reduce problematic behaviors.
Limit the number of behaviors that result in a taking a break. The first step of an effective break is defining what problem behaviors will result in taking a break. Taking a break should be reserved for behaviors that are destructive or disruptive, such as hitting or not following directions. When used too often, taking a break can feel punitive for children and lose its effectiveness for parents. Therefore, it should be reserved for highly problematic behaviors and balanced with lots of encouragement and redirection.
Have a safe area free of distractions, valuables, and safety hazards, where your child can take a break. It is important to identify a specific location for taking a break. The area you choose should be quiet and free of distractions, valuables, and safety hazards. Locations might include a chair in the corner of the dining room or bench at end of the hallway. Also, be sure you can monitor the location from a distance to ensure your child’s safety. While bedrooms are commonly used for breaks, they may not be the most effective as they often contain many fun and rewarding toys. If you have to use a child’s bedroom for taking a break, try to develop a plan for quickly removing access to toys and entertainment.
Think of taking a break as a space to calm down. Instead of defining breaks as a punishment, think of them as an opportunity to help your child learn how to calm down when upset, angry, or dysregulated. Most adults have learned ways to maintain control of their behavior and emotions during challenging situations. Just think how difficult life would be if you threw a chair at your boss every time you got frustrated or had a tantrum every time you didn’t get what you wanted. Instead, you’ve learned how to step away from these aggravations and calm down. With practice, taking a break teaches this same skill to your child. It removes her from the challenging situation to a distraction-free place where she can regain control, calm her emotions, and try again.
Taking a break wipes the slate clean. Once your child successfully takes a break, it’s important to wipe the slate clean. Dwelling on problem behavior or bringing up past mistakes only escalates the situation again and reduces your child’s sense of being able to do a good job. When the break is over, briefly thank your child for taking a good break and help him know how to get back to positive behavior. This might sound like, “Thanks for taking a good break. You can come back and play with your sister using a calm body and quiet voice.”
Provide encouragement as soon as possible for positive behavior following a break. Balancing lots of encouragement with taking breaks helps it be more effective as a limit setting strategy. Be on the look-out for positive behavior after your child has taken a break and provide encouragement right away. For example, you might thank your child for using her safe hands to pet the dog, calm body to play with her friends, or kind words to talk with her brother. This lets your child know you care about and believe in her ability to use positive behavior, even if she might need to take a break every now and then. Taking a break isn’t a big deal, it just means your child needs to calm down, take a few deep breaths, and try again. In fact, describing breaks to your child in this way and practicing taking a few good breaks before using it as a limit setting strategy reduces reactivity and anxiety for everyone.
Avoid pairing taking a break with hurtful, negative, or socially isolating words or actions. Finally, it is very important not to use breaks in a way that is hurtful, negative, or socially isolating. Make sure to avoid saying things such as, “You are bad, and I don’t want to see you right now. Go take a break” or “Get away from me. Take a break.” Using breaks to socially isolate or reject your child teaches him that his behavior causes other people not to like him or want to be around him. It also sends the message he needs to handle challenging situations alone, without parental support. Instead of using hurtful statements such as those above, let your child know he is taking a break for problematic behavior, not for being a bad kid. For example, you could say, “You are not allowed to hit your brother. Take a break.” As soon as he returns from taking a break, allow him an opportunity to successfully play with his brother and offer lots of encouragement for a job well done.
Using these strategies can make taking a break an effective part of your “toolbox” of strategies for helping your child to learn and practice appropriate behaviors.
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