“I WANT CANDY!!!!!”
Your cheeks get hot and you can feel a million eyes watching your child screaming and writhing around on the floor at Target. In the heat of the moment all you can think of is whisper-screaming “STOP!!” between clenched teeth.
There is a social pressure on caregivers to parent a certain way in public. Some parents may feel like they have to discipline more aggressively to show others they have things under control. Others will act less bothered by disruptive behavior because they fear being perceived as too strict or harsh. Parents who otherwise feel very confident in their skills may second guess themselves under the pressure of being observed. Whatever the case may be, navigating the emotions of a small child in public can be tricky, exhausting, and sometimes embarrassing. What can we do in the moment to avoid a power struggle and get on with our day?
Shift your attention from the “observers” to you child. You are using a lot of energy and focus on feeling embarrassed and performing for others. Instead, use that adrenaline to zero in on your child and what they need (chances are the observers aren’t even judging you anyway, they’ve been there…they get it).
If you can, find a private place to chat. Removing the audience will allow some space for you and your child to think clearly. The physical movement of walking, or being carried, to a different location may also be enough to interrupt the tantrum (think distraction!). If you can’t find a private place, make sure you get down on their level and give them your full attention.
Calm them down. If your child is still in an elevated state, their brain is flooded with cortisol (a stress hormone) and they won’t be able to take in new information. Instead of trying to reason with them, threaten, bargain, or teach, we want them to get back to calm. Breathing exercises are a great way to relax the system and doing it together can help you both regulate. This blog has some other helpful ways to calm your child down.
“I know you are really upset right now; let’s do some breathing together”
Give specific directions and keep it short. An aisle at Target isn’t really the setting to have a long, drawn-out behavior lesson. Focus on what you want your child TO DO while you are shopping. What will help your child stay calm until you walk out those sliding doors?
“Thank you for taking those breaths with me, I feel better already. We still need bread, milk and eggs. Please hold my hand and help me find those things”
Stand your ground. If they are throwing a tantrum about candy, toys, pushing the cart, running around wild, whatever it may be…. don’t give in! Instead plan a time in the future when they can earn that thing they so desperately wanted. They just gave you a HUGE hint on what would motivate them to behave ????.
“Thanks for helping me find our groceries and having a calm voice, would you like to push the cart to the checkout stand?”
Catch them following directions and label it. Praising positive behavior right away shows them that they can turn it around and that we are noticing their efforts.
“Thanks for turning it around and walking with a calm body!”
By teaching your child how to self-regulate and showing them that you have the confidence in them to turn it around, even a public meltdown can be a teaching opportunity! Take a deep breath. You got this!
