Social skills are very important for children. They help kids make friends, keep friends, and negotiate when their pals aren’t being so friendly. And these skills continue to be important throughout a child’s life. One recent study found that children who were better at social skills like sharing and cooperating when they were in kindergarten were likely to have higher educational attainments and better paying jobs. They were also less likely to have difficulties like drug use or being arrested.
So teaching your children social skills is really important. But social skills are pretty complex things. It’s not necessarily obvious how to teach them. For example, you can just show a child how to jump pretty simply. But how to you demonstrate cooperating in one action? Below we offer some tips for teaching social skills in general. In our posts over the next few weeks, we will focus on particular social skills like sharing, cooperating, and joining a game.
There are a few general things to remember when you teach social skills:
- Define the skill for the child. Instead of telling you child “Share with your friend”, define what sharing means. So you could tell her “Sharing means letting someone use a toy or space with you or giving it to them for a while so that they can use it. So when you give Emily some of your playdough so that she can play with you, that is sharing.” This will help your child know what is expected of her and how to do it.
- Point out examples of the skill you want to teach. When you are learning to do something new, it helps to see good examples of what you are supposed to do. So if you see two friends building a sand castle together at the park, you can point that out to your child “Look at that! There are two friends cooperating-they are working together to build a sand castle. And they are sharing. See how one friend just gave his friend the shovel so his friend could use it?”
- Reinforce your child when he shows the skill. If you are working on teaching your child sharing, and he lets a friend play with one of his toys, label the skill and praise him for it: “I really like how you let Jose play with your car. That is great sharing!” Children are more likely to do the things that you pay attention to.
- Help your child to practice the skill. Social skills are HARD. There are times when adults find it difficult to share their things or to let someone else pick the movie they are going to see. So if you want your child to cooperate with her friend, you may have to help her out: “It looks like your friend would like to build a house with those blocks. Do you think you could help her? Maybe hand her the big blocks? Then you can put the small blocks in between them.” And praise her when she shows the skill!
It is also important to remember that your child will not always be able to show perfect social skills. So if he chooses not to share with his friend, try not to jump in, take the toy and give it to the friend. Remember, we will see more of behaviors that we give lots of attention to. Instead, help his friend find something else to do. Chances are that your child will become interested in what you are doing with his friend. He might decide to share then and you should notice that. Or he and his friend might happily do something totally different and you can work on sharing the next time there is an opportunity.
- Be a role model. Remember that your child watches YOU to decide what to do. So if you would like your child to cooperate with her friends, then let her see you cooperate with your spouse, friends, and others. So put that bookshelf together with your spouse and then say “You see how we worked together and built that bookshelf? We were cooperating.” (It might even make housework more pleasant.)
Positive social skills can take your child far in life. So teaching him good social habits is important. But remember that these are complex skills that are sometimes hard for adults. They take time and good examples to learn. So the next time you want to eat ALL of the ice cream, think about what you would like your child to do with her friends and set a good sharing example!
