A couple of weeks ago we offered parents who might not have had such a good time during their own school years tips for helping their children have a better time. Today, we are going to talk about how teachers can approach parents whose children might be having some difficulties in school.
Sometimes it can be hard to talk about topics that might be received negatively. It can also be difficult to find the time to do this in a way that is most likely to get a positive response. But taking the time to talk to parents constructively might make the difference between having an irritated parent who doesn’t know how to help their child and gaining an ally who will work with their child at home to make school behavior and achievement better.
To take an example: Say it’s been a really busy day. You have grades due and homework assignments to check over and Billy Fergusson has not been able to stay in his seat. He’s been up and running around the classroom even though you warned him several times that he might get a behavior referral. And you have 18 other children to pay attention to so he cannot take up all your time. While you are running to the staff meeting after school, you see Billy’s mother in the parking lot. You say to her in a loud voice, “Ms. Fergusson, Billy needs to learn to sit still in his seat or he is going to have problems this year.” As you see Ms. Fergusson’s expression go from shock to anger, you know that Billy is not likely to be better able to pay attention tomorrow or even the next day.
Let’s think about another way that this could go: You have had the same busy day and Billy has not been able to stay in his seat. It’s still true that the other children deserve your attention just as much as Billy and you are feeling overwhelmed. But instead of making a quick comment to his mother as you are hurrying to your next activity, when you see her in the parking lot, you take a breath and go over to her. While you are walking, you remember that Billy is really creative. You say “Hello, Ms. Fergusson. You know I am really enjoying having Billy in my class. He thinks up the most amazing stories at circle time. We are working on sitting in his seat when I ask him to. Could I call you sometime in the next day or two to talk more about that?” You may be a couple of minutes late to your meeting but you have made great progress in letting Ms. Fergusson know that you care about and like her child, and that you want to work with her to solve an issue. She is much more likely to be open to your suggestions and to work with you to help Billy be able to follow directions.
It can be really difficult to find the time to make a positive approach to parents to talk about difficulties that their children are having. It can feel like a quick couple of sentences across the parking lot are all that you can manage. Unfortunately, that sets up the possibility for a negative dynamic. The parent may feel that you have not given them enough information about what is happening and that you are expecting them to solve the problem all on their own. And, because we often feel that our children’s behaviors reflect on us, they might feel offended. This could mean that you will spend a good portion of the school year trying to get a defensive parent to help you and that you are going to spend a lot more time trying to get Billy to stay in his seat. Better to take the time at the outset to create a feeling of teamwork with that parent so that things could really improve for Billy.
Does that feel easier said than done? It doesn’t have to be. Here are some tips for ways to talk to parents about difficult topics that can set up a more positive dynamic:
- Try a “feedback sandwich”. This is a really good way to handle giving a parent a heads up that their child is having difficulties. You position your constructive feedback in between two positives. So you could say,” Mr. Smith, Lily is doing really well making new friends in the classroom. We are working on talking with friends when the class has free time instead of during instructional time and it would be great if you could help remind her about that rule too. Once she gets that down, I think she will be a role model for the other students.” You have sandwiched your feedback about what Lily needs to work on between two positive things about her behavior. This lets Mr. Smith know that you appreciate Lily’s strengths. It also lets him know that you expect her to succeed at regulating her behavior. He is now much more likely to respond positively to your request to help reinforce the classroom rule.
- Be clear about what you would like parents to do. Saying that a child needs to “work on” something or “should not be” engaging in a behavior does not let parents know about how they can help their children. And many parents genuinely may not know how to change a child’s given behavior. So you could try something like “Ms. Fergusson, there are some things that you could do at home to help Billy be more able to stay in his seat at school. He could practice sitting in his seat while he does homework at home. If you tell him that you really like the way that he is staying in his seat when he does it, that will help him to learn that he people will notice when he is following directions.” The more specific you can be, the better the chances that parents will actively work on the behaviors with their children.
- Mix in positives with feedback about needed improvements. It can be hard to keep trying to change a child’s behavior if a parent feels that they only get negative feedback from school. And that can lead parents to be stressed and start being negative with their children. Then no one is likely to improve! So take time to recognize a child’s positive behaviors, even if you also have to give feedback about things they need to work on. This can be hard to do when you are pressed for time and frustrated with a child, but it will pay off in the end. Here a couple of things to try:
- Positive phone calls home. If a child is having a particularly good day. Or even if they just follow one direction well, take the time to make a call home to tell their parents what a good job they did. This will make everyone feel good. And it will increase the likelihood that parents will be willing to talk to you in the future, instead of screening your phone calls.
- Notes or school cards. Sometimes you won’t have time to make a call or won’t remember at the end of a long day what went well. That’s where notes or school cards can be really helpful. If you write down during the day what the child is doing well as well as where they needed to make improvements, then at the end of the day you can send home a note that has positives as well as constructive feedback. School cards can be very useful for this and we use them in the KITS programs a lot. This is a card with one or two behaviors written on it that you are targeting with the child. So it might be “Stayed in my seat during writing time” or “Followed directions the first time”. The day is divided up into a couple of sections like “morning” and “afternoon”, or “before snack”, “after snack” and “after lunch” (depending on how often the child needs feedback). And there are spaces for feedback about how the child did. These may be words or smiley faces, anything that can be done quickly and allows for some successes. This can be a quick way to tell the parent how the day went. And the parent can agree to reward the child for 70% positives (no child will be perfect). So you can say “Wow, I just know you are going to earn that extra computer time today because you already have two smiley faces on your school card.”
These strategies do take time and effort to set up. But they will put you and the parents on a positive track. In the end, taking the time in the beginning will be worth it as you see the pay off in positive changes for the child and a parent who will team up with you to make those changes happen!
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Image: © Alexsokolov | Dreamstime.com
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